wikialityfandomcom-20200214-history
The Colbert Report/Episode/514
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro Stephen Is Still Not Being Honored * the show opened with The Mob applause aftershocks * First the Writers' Guild, and Grammys ignored him, now it's the Westminster Dog Show * winner: 133rd year in a row, not Stephen ** Stump, a Sussex Spaniel * What does Stomp have that Stephen doesn't have? ** Dr. Colbert has *** floppy ears *** firm haunches *** silky coat ** his secret? He cracks an egg into his bowl * so-called champion ** Black Standard Poodle, winner of the Non-Sporting Group *** was bred with 25-year-old sperm (Shh, don't tell Octomom it's available) * Stephen Colbert's Formula 40-Woof ** exclusive canine seed ** buy it if you want your dog to be a champion and you use The Island of Dr. Moreau as an instructional video * keep it on ice Will D.C. Get A Vote? * warned before about D.C. Voting Rights Act ** Senate committee debated **Joe Lieberman * Article I, Section ██ ** picked by the people of the several states * Change name to Starbuckstistan * George Washington University Jonathan Turley calls the D.C. Voting Rights bill: ** incredibly offensive ** flagrantly unConstitutional Turley's opinion is not a contradiction, but proof that the Founding Fathers are douchebags and we have to follow their words to the letter (our hands are tied) * D.C. residents are using the rallying cry: "no taxation without representation" * Louie Gohmert says get rid of their income tax ** only a true patriot can turn a slogan of the Revolution into a multiple choice question * in exchange, Utah would get a new district * Utah representative (and friend of the show) Jason Chaffetz took a firm stand against it, which is surprising that he can stand at all considering ** his wet strands of angel hair pasta legs * Congressman Nerf Thighs believes in the United States Constitution ** he believes Utah will get the seat anyway once the 2010 Census is conducted * Dr. Colbert's old nemesis Eleanor Holmes Norton is behind it! ** like a fly who buzzes around and won't go away (and can't vote in Congress) * D.C. residents almost have rights ** she was able to manipulate The Mob ** may happen in a month * Holmes Norton proceeded to bash schools in the great state of South Carolina * she also declared that if D.C. is going to be treated as a state (every April 15th when their taxes are collected) they will get representation in Congress ** demanding that Dr. Colbert "swallow that," "understand that," "learn that" *** Stephen doesn't swallow * Stephen may have to quarter soldiers in his house * will make Stephen an honorary citizen of Washington, D.C. once they get the right to vote ** Dr. Colbert agrees with a TV Promise Glenn Beck's New Show * in milky way of punditry, there are: ** white dwarfs ** flaming balls of gas ** a new wormhole to a parallel world, Glenn Beck packed himself into his genius cannon and lit the fuse * Glenn Beck has a new show! ** reinventing the medium of TV, melding it with the nightmares of opium addicts * Beck held the smart gun to his head and pulled the brilliant trigger, telling his audience (with his crazy eyes): ** "You are the protector of liberty. You are the guardian of freedom." ** "I honestly thought, I'll just move to a farm and I'll unplug and I can be happy." ** "We surround the weasels, it's not the other way around." ** "And if I have to hear my grandmother tell the story about the large sandwiches they used to eat one more time, I would have lost my mind." * Glenn Beck missed his grandmother's last retelling of the sandwich story because he was out fixing a weasel fence * Glenn Beck has gone unappreciated in his time ** the world is not ready for his crazy eye close ups *** except regions of the world where licking hallucinogenic frogs is common * Beck explained the next that he did the crazy eye close up thing because "we don't look each other in the eye anymore; we're uncomfortable." ** when verifying his footage from the previous day, it is discovered that his crazy eye close up wasn't looking straight into the camera (or at the viewers) *** this is due to Beck seeing the world from such an interesting angle: ::: "Jesus Christ and Hitler had a lot in common, and that was they could both look you in the eye and say, "I`ve got an answer for you, follow me." :::: Plus, they both said it to the Jews! * Beck then climbed the wisdom tree, dangled the logic rope and hanged himself until he was dead right: ** "You know in your gut when people are telling the truth and when they're not." ** "You know how people are always like, 'My dog hated him, I should've known he was a serial killer!' Your dog doesn't have any super powers; your dog just doesn't dismiss what you do: your gut." * Dr. Colbert agrees that everyone should do whatever their dog tells you ** it worked for Son Of Sam * Stephen is a huge proponent of the gut ** he trusts it so much, it's where he puts all his food * Forget looking into each other's eyes; we need to look into each other's guts * Stephen invited prominent gut physician, Dr. Eichler to insert a camera inside of him so The Heroes to look into his gut ** he tells The Heroes that we need to take a stand *** although he won't be sitting for a while ** (he could feel it in his larynx) * Dr. Colbert asks The Heroes to measure their patriotism by how far up your own ass you're willing to go ** for and Glenn Beck, the answer is "all the way" Interview * Steven Pinker * book: "Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature" * Harvard psychology professor who posted his genome onto the internets ** AGCTTGCTA ** most boring blog ever * book: "The Stuff of Thought" * shared a flowing locks gene with Michael Landon * he learned that he was a carrier of a gene for a nasty disease ** familial disautonomia (sp) * ignorance is bliss ** better to know *** if you have the curious gene * like posting the social security number God gave you ** doesn't care if everyone knows he's lactose intolerant * Stephen would use gene knowledge to fire employees * Congress passed law that prevents insurance companies from denying coverage * has a gene that gives him an 80% chance of being bald Epilogue * Dr. Colbert declared that's it for the show tonight, unless you are watching on the West Coast, then it won't start for another three two and a half hours! Gallery Image:StumpColbert.jpg Image:ColbertFloppyEarAni1.gif Image:ColbertFirmHaunches.jpg Image:ColbertSilkyCoat.jpg Image:BlackStandardPoodle.jpg Image:ColbertFormula40-WOOF.jpg Image:StephenPromote40-WOOF.jpg Image:RevolutionSloganMultipleChoice.jpg Image:ColbertHolmesNorton2-11-2009.jpg Image:CUGlennBeckEYEBALL.jpg Image:ColbertGlennBeck'sCrazyEyes.jpg Image:GlennBeckHallucinogenicFrogs.jpg Image:StephenTapsNoggin1.gif Image:ListenToYourDog.jpg Image:DrEichler2-11-2009.jpg Image:StephenPreparesToShareHisGut.jpg Image:StephenSharesHisGut.jpg Image:StephenPostGutSharing.jpg Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments